Official Joke Thread: The Philosophy of Ambiguity with Amnesia

[96 Black]

Originally Posted by wytltng

Why would a farmer need a weed eater???

Ok, Now you're just being logical.

I like where this thread is headed. Needs more Goats.

[rematar]

[Buford T. JuSStice]

Oh hey now, if we're talkin' about Camaro body kits... let's just go ahead and skip to the best one.




or

[chydog's SS]

Osama: The Real Story



Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and never left the house for 5 years.
*
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself......
*

[95 imp]

The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.

Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Mystery Man]

A guy was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."

[Erik]

Two guys are walking down the street. They come across a dog sitting on the sidewalk in front of them licking it's balls.

One guys looks at his buddy and says "Man, I wish I could do that!"

The other guy looks at the dog, then back at his friend and says "Think you ought to pet him first?"

[Riverman]

The Syrian Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Muslim
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight
into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my
son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old
lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

[Heavy_SS]

A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed.

So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced. But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man.

Still no problem for the man. So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting.

After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby. Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.

[Big Kahuna]

A man had an annual physical yesterday and his doctor asked him about his daily activity level, and so he described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!"

"No," He replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."