Official Joke Thread: The Philosophy of Ambiguity with Amnesia - Page 82 - Chevy Impala SS Forum
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  #811  
Old 11-15-2012, 09:50 AM
Mystery Man Mystery Man is offline
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A guy was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."



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  #812  
Old 11-27-2012, 03:38 PM
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Two guys are walking down the street. They come across a dog sitting on the sidewalk in front of them licking it's balls.

One guys looks at his buddy and says "Man, I wish I could do that!"

The other guy looks at the dog, then back at his friend and says "Think you ought to pet him first?"
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  #813  
Old 11-30-2012, 12:03 PM
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The Syrian Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Syria. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Muslim
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight
into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Syrian is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my
son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old
lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

Last edited by Riverman; 11-30-2012 at 12:03 PM. Reason: Misspell
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  #814  
Old 12-04-2012, 10:55 AM
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Default A married couple went to the hospital...

A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed.

So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced. But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man.

Still no problem for the man. So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting.

After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby. Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.
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  #815  
Old 12-05-2012, 11:46 AM
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A man had an annual physical yesterday and his doctor asked him about his daily activity level, and so he described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!"

"No," He replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."
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  #816  
Old 12-06-2012, 01:25 PM
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Default How to Give a Good Hand Job

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  #817  
Old 12-06-2012, 11:11 PM
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Male gets kicked as hard as possible in the beets.
Female gives birth to a baby.

One year later, ask if they would do again
No man has ever said yes.
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  #818  
Old 12-09-2012, 01:28 AM
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local convenience store. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.


“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.


“They’re on sale… only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.


“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.


A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.


“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.


“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.


Her husband replies, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it’s half the price.”
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  #819  
Old 12-10-2012, 10:52 PM
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Default Cell phone etiquette.....

After a very busy, tiring day at the office, the young woman settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the commuter train departed the station.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, its Eric, I’m on the train.” “Yes, I know its the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.” “No, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, I was with the boss. Oh sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life." “Yes dear, I’m sure, cross my heart, etc., etc.”

Fifteen minutes of this, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him finally said loudly, “Hey, Eric, turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!”

Eric don't use his cell phone in public no more.
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  #820  
Old 12-11-2012, 05:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 96 Black View Post
After a very busy, tiring day at the office, the young woman settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the commuter train departed the station.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, its Eric, I’m on the train.” “Yes, I know its the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.” “No, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, I was with the boss. Oh sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life." “Yes dear, I’m sure, cross my heart, etc., etc.”

Fifteen minutes of this, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him finally said loudly, “Hey, Eric, turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!”

Eric don't use his cell phone in public no more.

You spelled ErilK's name wrong.
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